Not a writer.

“Symphony of darkness” (my previous blog title) admittedly, was an identity assumption without attempts of adaptation. An attempt to portray, yet falling prey to constant disarray. I, in other words, settled for a title that does not resonate with the person that I am today.

Allow me to reintroduce myself, albeit in a disjointed and unconventional manner.

I’m not going to pique your interest at a first glance. My imperfect, non-aligned features will, expectedly, render me banal and easy to dismiss. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not on the path of righteous bashing of the attributes that I’m blessed with- but whole-hearted acceptance of the fact that these characteristics are not persuasive enough to command your avidity. Limit me solely to my physical appearance, and you will find my disinterest in accepting compliments and criticisms for the same. I might or might not be your quintessential idea of “attractive”, but your opinion on an inherent physical attribute does not bind me to be solely it. I’m not invalidating the importance of a striking outer appearance, I’ve just learnt to broaden horizons beyond the concepts attached to it. And I’m not stopping anytime soon.

I’m a learner, but not wholly so; I’ve given in to expedience more often than I’d like, and I’ve been more biased towards outcomes that will always be in my favour, thus reducing situations that would exude consequences to learn from. Strip me off my good intentions, and you’ll find layers of dysphoria and aggressiveness, along with a savage tongue.

In the midst of my fluency, you’ll hear moments of incoherent stammering. My vocabulary is evasive rather than extensive, and I’ve been intimidated and confident, in equal parts.  My inane antics are constantly in conflict with my thirst for profundity and the number of amends I’m making are always being outdone by the daily mistakes I make. I’m not essentially different or intelligently analytical, and yet the effort to strive to be it, is the one aspiration that exhausts and arouses me, at the same time. I’ve sworn to never depend on others for happiness, and  I’ve still  expected staggeringly high amounts of emotional reciprocation and validation.

If this reverberates with you, realize that a single cardinal trait is not your halo; the genesis of your best and seemingly “worst” aspects make you a breathing contradiction, which in turn, make you only more human. We often tend to conform to shades of black and white for clarity, but it is the ‘grey’ which is truly capable of defining us, without limiting us. You are, and never will be, constrained by a single dimension of personality traits, because you, my friend, are an indefinite growth in process; every present moment is working to help you evolve as an individual. Do these moments justice, because your power in the universe, at this very present moment, is limitless.

I give in to this conviction, and promise myself to keep learning, to treat every single experience as a lesson, and not restrict myself to beliefs that I consider of utmost importance today. Talk to me a year later, and I might just unabashedly rule out the person that I am, at this very second. I will mould and unmould, dismantle and assemble, rise and fall.

And this is why, I’m not a writer. I’m striving to be much, much more. Welcome to a new chapter, and seemingly innumerable ones that are to come.