The pain, engraved.

No one can decipher the pain one goes through while imparting the smallest of scars on their skin. Actions become a blur during that one moment of pure insanity. The world stops making any sense and you lose yourself. You're lost, with no one to guide you. You're slowly killing yourself, with no one to stop you. And as you engrave those cuts on your wrist, enigmatic ecstasy fills your soul, consuming its emptiness.

And a question that stabbed me every single time was, why. Are we not there for you enough ? Have we not done enough to make you stay ? You'll leave the world unanswered tomorrow. We'll be the ones left, crying over you, wanting you back. You'll be gone. Not in hell, nor will it be heaven. Your soul will linger here, haunting every single one of us. The regret, the guilt.. nothing will justify your absence. That split second  of hopelessness that you gave into will make us suffer forever.

Those scars will define you. Those cuts will never fade away. Years from now, the reasons for which you inflicted pain on yourself will seem irrational and trivial. I've seen death at an arms distance. People fighting to survive, wanting to live. Victoriously emerging from it, or bravely succumbing to it. Not giving up hope, because love is all they wanted to hold on to. They wanted to live, to love, to explore this beautiful gift that none of us interpret the meaning of. Life.

'One of the best feelings in the world is knowing that some of  the most beautiful days of our lives haven't happened yet' 

How hard is it to stay strong, to break through, knowing that we always have something to look forward to ? One day, we'll be going to a job we love. We'll be returning to a person that we love. We'll be able to travel the world, attend tons of concerts, be someone we've always wanted to be.
We'll learn the significance of every little thing that seems unimportant now. We'll learn to be stronger than this, we'll learn what death really means. We'll follow our dreams and drown into them selflessly, and work towards achieving them. Today, our own 'friends' judge us. Tomorrow, it'll be the world criticizing us. If we allow this to break us, then there's no point of life. People will use you, will treat you like you mean absolutely nothing to them, even when you've worked so hard to stay float in the ocean of their problems.


No matter how badly they treat you, never let your happiness depend on them. Don't shut yourself down, people will still  care no matter how hard you push them away.
No matter how much they've hurt you, don't physically punish yourself for it. It's hard to fight against the world when you're fighting against your own self.
And in this moment of your lust for pain, you'll want someone to understand you. You'll want someone not to treat you like you belong to a mental asylum. You don't want to be spoken to differently, to be looked at in a pathetically sympathetic way. All you want from someone is to be there for you. To make things better for you. You're tired of being alone, people blaming you for every single thing. People hate on you without knowing your story, they've murdered your happiness  without being acknowledged with the journey you were forced to undertake. They think you don't care, whereas your heart sharply contradicts this lie, that's now become the truth. You think too much, you think you're not good enough.

Stare at those scars for a while.  Promise to be so strong that nothing can ever break you, ever. Your virtues, your capacity for sacrifice, your own love conquered you. You're often broken, shattered, defeated,destructed. But learn to rise above that. Think of anyone who cares  while even thinking of scarring yourself again. Think of the most beautiful memory you've ever made with someone, even though it may have turned bitter at the present. Think of the future that lies ahead, filled with ambitions and dreams. Whenever you feel vulnerable to hurting yourself, learn to control the maddening, unbridled impulsiveness.

 And remember this, I'll be here for you. You want to scream at me, inflict the pain on me instead of yourself ? I'm here. You want to blame it all on me, push me away ? I'm here. You want me to fight for you, be it us against the world ? I'm here. You need someone to break down to ? I'm here.

You want someone to forgive you even if you repeat this sin ? I'm still here.

Alone.

If only some people would realize what it is like to go through the worst alone. How hard it is to face your own turmoils head on and pretending that your life is all smiles and jokes. How hard it is to prove that you're a person of philosophies and pain, much more than the robust countenance you give away ? 

And it stabs every inch of your heart to realize how deserted you are. You're there for a friend at two am to soothe them with all that you have left, only to be almost ignored by them the next day. You want to stop caring-it's not like they give a shit anyway, but a roaring guilt sweeps over your fragile, sinking, state. 

It kills you to see them with everyone else but you; didn't you do all the things possible to make them stay ? You stood up for them. Wiped those tears. Fought for them. Forgave them. Helped them, in every way you could. You brushed off their dust, and made them realize that there's so much more to come. Made them understand that it's not the end. 
But you still have to smile through all of it. Ignore it, because you aren't the person who expects a show of gratitude after an act of one. Thus, you live with the pain surging and tearing your emotions into embezzled fragments. You stumble through the conflicts in your heart.You let yourself fall into a never ending abyss of darkness. 

And this darkness is the one which stays with you throughout the night when you can't sleep. It's there for you when no one else is; but the same darkness can convert you into an emotional wreck with stunning speed. You don't look forward to anything anymore. You're done with people. Writing it all out is all that saves you. 

Your emotions conjure up words. It's as though they want to escape the deep chasm you've engulfed yourself in. They've finally found the strength to fight back, to resurface, to live, to emerge. But your spurious self is as headstrong as ever; a derogatory, daft tyrant. You dissuade your own emotions from breathing. You're a murderer before you can process what you're doing. You've killed your own feelings. They've been allayed in an appallingly horrific way. You've murdered them by silence. 

A silence that doesn't just thaw, a silence that stabs. A silence that appears to be quiescent but attacks when you least expect it. It crushes your gallant Heart, which howls in internal pain. But you're too busy supporting this silence. You're exuding  your strength  towards the enemy. An enemy which doesn't take too long in stripping off to expose the lie living inside it, of-course. 

But-it's too late to back out now. You're trapped around the same walls that you constructed around yourself. The darkness that once comforted you, now scares you to the extent of clawing your soul out. The same smile that told people you were okay, now deceives your own self. You realize that you're NOT okay. And then it hits you like a hurricane. 

You're alone. 

Sunset of love.

Have you ever loved someone for years and then one fine day, you realize that you don't ? Have you ever fangirled over someone to the extent that it had rest of the world facepalming, but then one day, one second, you realize that the person doesn't even care.Have you ever just smiled  at even the mention of their name, but then one fateful moment, the lava of butterflies fails to erupt ? Have you ever felt jealous that this 'crush' talks to everyone but you, but then suddenly, you stopped caring ?

 You used to feel those emotions as intense as they could get; but one day, your feelings ceased to exist. You just don't want them anymore.It's not like they  were yours in the first place to begin with, but just the need of wanting them is sucked out by impassiveness. If they don't care, why should you ?

You've liked a lot before. In fact, you've had feelings for so many out there but this one love dominated all. It had made you smile every morning will dressing up for school. It had made you blush while seeing them. It made you stare at them when they weren't looking. All that teasing from your friends had made you go beet red. That one person made you feel special. Happy. But then, you don't feel the same anymore. Hell, you don't feel anything anymore..

Why ? That infinite word stares right back at you, as clueless and dumbstruck as ever. As confused, as lost as you.
You either found someone new. Another person who was just like them; who made you feel special, downright precious. You stopped thinking about this previous person and let yourself fall freely into the unexplored. Your world feels new. You laugh at your former choice and go giddy in the head just thinking about this new found fondness or love. It's bliss.

Or you utterly despise them. They've been nothing but obnoxious to you and you're shell shocked at who they actually are. You may have fallen for that 'irresistible charm, but the personality within left you disgusted. You're horrified that you actually liked them for this long. You're broken at this coated deception.This lie shocks you, leaves you stunned. It's hell and back.

Or you just stopped. No questions asked, no reasons raised.   That feeling just stopped making you glow. The love just halted in its tracks, stagnant- it doesn't run through your veins anymore. You can walk past them without feeling the slightest emotion. Those 'love songs' or 'love quotes' aren't for them anymore. You accept the fact that it was all in the past. It's the truth. 

How long ?

"Don't say it if you don't meant it. Really, don't.And if you can't execute what you say, then don't say it in the first place." It's absolutely hypocritical that we are the ones that end up saying the above lines at some point in  our lives,when in reality, we are the ones that aren't honest with ourselves, let alone others. We tell ourselves that we're going to be okay, when in the bare, naked, body of truth, we know that we aren't. We let our hopes and dreams fight with realization. We use courage against destiny.Fight with faith against fate.

Are we going to let this strength, this thirsty ego rule us forever ?   Are we not going to face defeat even when it is calling us into a shattering embrace ? How long will we allow this lie to live ? Your answer maybe forever,but you can't let this 'cancer' grow inside of you. Stop this tumor.Control it before it spreads. And before it's too late.

 Be honest with yourself. Lying to others maybe indispensable at times; but lying to your own very self ? What made you do that, solve the problem temporarily ?

 The greed of present benefits made you let a lie take precedence over the very present. Why ? Face the truth. Hold up your chin,force a smile and take it all in. Then cry. Cry as much as you want to. Pour out your heart. Let your world fall apart. And once this slow, painful, process is over, work towards building yourself  again.

 Don't have anyone to cry to ? Befriend solitude. Let silence tag along. Sadness may knock on your door a few times; let it in. If you don't, the next visitor  would be Anger. And mind you, this visitor does not knock. It barges in.

 Music will heal you. Time will help the wounds slowly fade away. But Honesty ? Honesty will get you through. Honesty, with it venomous bitterness, will actually bring sweetness with adversity. It will make you realize your true self.  And once that realization takes place, nothing can break you. And even if it does, then Honesty will stand by you. Even if no one does.

 After all, how long will you keep it all inside ? How long are you going to camouflage your scars ? How long will the mask stay till it fades away ? This isn't a question I'm asking you. Read my question aloud, and you will realize that this is a question you're asking  yourself. How long ?   

You.

You go through the worst alone. People may tell you that they're there for you, but in the bitter, chiding face of reality, they aren't. You smile throughout the day and cry deeply into the night. You laugh with the smiling ones but your heart frowns. You may be in love, but then an empty feeling takes over. You feel happy, but then sadness overwhelms it. You are there for everyone around you, with no one lending you a shoulder to cry on. You're the person who jokes, smiles, laughs, pretends to be absolutely crazy and fun loving but deep down, you know that this isn't you. You're an absolute lie. A shocking deception. No one knows you. Except loneliness. You're pretty well acquainted with that.

But how long are you going to keep it in ? For how long is the pretence  going to last ? You have to break down. You have to let yourself loose. Cry. You have to let your walls down. Let them fall apart, even if they break you.Tell those people that you're just tired of being there for them. Admit to your fears that you're afraid of them. Interrogate your happiness,"Why do you have to enter my life to leave?" Become friends with rejection, you will be seeing it very often, might as well learn something about 'him'. Cry with your sadness, trust me, it's 'her' that needs all the soothing, all the comforting. Not you. Talk from the heart, don't constrict it; it deserves as much as freedom as the oppressed, the downtrodden.
How long can you remain the person you're not ? How  long can you always allow yourself to be walked on ? There comes a time when you're absolutely saturated, impassive and mentally exhausted. You want to escape, but then you're too strong to physically hurt yourself. You can't react to all of it anymore. You want to shut yourself down. Wipe out your emotions. Or.

You can pretend. Smile,joke,love,live,laugh and assert the people that she is who you are. The girl who never stopped smiling.

It isn't me, it's you.

What I write isn't extraordinary. In-fact,  millions write better than me. My feelings are a continuous process; my pen is to the paper like my thoughts are to my heart. I don't constrict myself, I let it all go. And writing, to me, is the best way to let go. Secrets hidden, sorrows suppressed, regrets oppressed and sadness masked. I believe in exuding it all on the paper. I trust in letting it evade.

When you read what I write, you will find the real me.This is the place where my soul lives. Where my fears reside. Where my reality comes through. Where my ambitions take shape. And to draw a contrast between who I am in front of you and who i am in reality isn't a herculean task. You will realize.Don't search for them;my feelings rule over my words. I don't edit what I write.No matter how idiosyncratic or trivial I may sound at times, the truth remains that my words emerge from my heart. I will not alter the route they take from my heart. Or dare the change the root from which they were born. You may not trust my words when I speak them, but I assure you, you can trust what I write. Believe in it, because I need you. You may not know me at all and it may be the same from my side, but trust me, you matter. More than you can imagine.

And if you think that I make no absolute sense, please don't acquaint me with it; ignorance is bliss. I don't write for anybody. My emotions are abstract, scattered, incoherent. If you think that my words are a lie,then allow these lies to blind you. Don't cover my eyes as well, I'd rather run away from the darkness.
And if my emotions affect you as well, then it brings me nothing but sadness. Who I am should not change you. My confusion should not cloud you.
Instead, smile with me. Love like me. Fall with me. Learn along me. Don't hate yourself; Hate is too strong a word. Smile at an absolute stranger; flashing a smile at an old man sitting across the heartbreaking background of loneliness can make his day. Greeting a melancholic man can cheer him up. A mere hand on your friend's shoulder can stop those tears. Just a bit of happiness from your side can make someone fall in love with you. I swear, these little things make a difference.

Little things like even going through what I'm writing can make a difference.It shows me that  no matter from where you come from, you care. And that keeps me happy. Just that.
And if you had even the slightest patience to go over all that I've penned above, then a genuine smile from my side. Hope I made you smile, somewhere, somewhat. Because you matter.