“Symphony of darkness” (my previous blog title) admittedly,
was an identity assumption without attempts of adaptation. An attempt to
portray, yet falling prey to constant disarray. I, in other words, settled for
a title that does not resonate with the person that I am today.
Allow me to reintroduce myself, albeit in a disjointed and
unconventional manner.
I’m not going to pique your interest at a first glance. My
imperfect, non-aligned features will, expectedly, render me banal and easy to
dismiss. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not on the path of righteous bashing of
the attributes that I’m blessed with- but whole-hearted acceptance of the fact
that these characteristics are not persuasive enough to command your avidity.
Limit me solely to my physical appearance, and you will find my disinterest in
accepting compliments and criticisms for the same. I might or might not be your
quintessential idea of “attractive”, but your opinion on an inherent physical
attribute does not bind me to be solely it. I’m not invalidating the importance
of a striking outer appearance, I’ve just learnt to broaden horizons beyond the
concepts attached to it. And I’m not stopping anytime soon.
I’m a learner, but not wholly so; I’ve given in to
expedience more often than I’d like, and I’ve been more biased towards outcomes
that will always be in my favour, thus reducing situations that would
exude consequences to learn from. Strip me off my good intentions, and you’ll
find layers of dysphoria and aggressiveness, along with a savage tongue.
In the midst of my fluency, you’ll hear moments of
incoherent stammering. My vocabulary is evasive rather than extensive, and I’ve
been intimidated and confident, in equal parts.
My inane antics are constantly in conflict with my thirst for profundity
and the number of amends I’m making are always being outdone by the daily
mistakes I make. I’m not essentially different or intelligently analytical, and
yet the effort to strive to be it, is the one aspiration that exhausts and
arouses me, at the same time. I’ve sworn to never depend on others for happiness,
and I’ve still expected staggeringly high amounts of emotional reciprocation
and validation.
If this reverberates with you, realize that a single
cardinal trait is not your halo; the genesis of your best and seemingly “worst”
aspects make you a breathing contradiction, which in turn, make you only more
human. We often tend to conform to shades of black and white for clarity, but
it is the ‘grey’ which is truly capable of defining us, without limiting us. You
are, and never will be, constrained by a single dimension of personality traits,
because you, my friend, are an indefinite growth in process; every present
moment is working to help you evolve as an individual. Do these moments
justice, because your power in the universe, at this very present moment, is
limitless.
I give in to this conviction, and promise myself to keep
learning, to treat every single experience as a lesson, and not restrict myself
to beliefs that I consider of utmost importance today. Talk to me a year later,
and I might just unabashedly rule out the person that I am, at this very
second. I will mould and unmould, dismantle and assemble, rise and fall.
And this is why, I’m not a writer. I’m striving to be much,
much more. Welcome to a new chapter, and seemingly innumerable ones that are to
come.
