Let go.

I feel lost. 
Lost not for words- they are exuded as rapidly as they can, flooding my eyes with all that has been and all that could have been. All that has been done, and all that is to come. There sure is a  light at the end of the tunnel, but you find yourself engulfed in a smog of darkness, desperate to reach out for  that one fragment of hope. 
I can be given up on, but cannot afford to give up.
I can cry, but cannot see through their glassy eyes. 
I'm here to listen whatever they have to say, but I'm afraid  to be heard. 
I don't mind losing them, but I'm afraid to let go. 
I don't want to be comforted, but I'm scared that I'm not being there. 

I've been asked to leave everything behind. Blur the past and unleash the future. Is it really that easy, I ask. 
I know that  I've always loved meeting new people. Getting to know them is a beautiful process, an intriguing indulgence. Either a beautiful cohesion is developed, or we find congeniality despite our differences. 
It's an exciting phase. Something that we must look forward to, only if the old ones hadn't given us so much to remember. 
The memories never become forlorn, but only ripen as we progress, in age and intellectuality. You're aware that there's a place in your heart that will always breathe to keep those memories alive. They only cease to exist when your heart stops beating. Till then, these moments, no matter how insignificant they are or purport to be, stay with you. 
That's when you feel that you've strayed- do you evade the past and embrace the future, or do you simply succumb to what's in store for you next ? It'll all iron out someday, I'm sure. It will, I know. 

Till that time, you're a bit dazed. Still figuring out where all the missing pieces are supposed to fit, still wondering why nothing's making sense yet. You needn't have all the answers, but not having the same answers fills you with a coveted desire to have them, nevertheless. 
All those things that you once loved doing become things you cannot get yourself to love, anymore. 
All those people you loved meeting once, becoming people you cannot look in the eye anymore. 
You miss how things used to be, but now you feel like running away, travelling the world, leaving everything behind for a momentary lust- secluded surroundings, cut off from all contact, living in a blissful world of oblivion sans pain.  
You're sick of not understanding and being the subject of constant misunderstanding. "I'm only human", You want to scream, but your voice is subdued by your emotions crashing down, reducing you to an earth-shattering bit of  nothingness, loneliness, emptiness. 

You cannot keep it to yourself anymore. You find yourself constantly wanting to be around people, as if it were a survival instinct. You cannot be left alone for too long, even though  that kind of separation is something you'd always longed for, but cannot live with.  

Thus, the constant, restive urge to not be lonely. To have other people talk, so that you don't have to think. To let them cry, so that you have reason enough to cry with them. To make small talk so that your real emotions remain concealed. To be there for them, so that you forget your own problems for a while. (Yes, Ananya, the credit goes to you). 

But sometimes, we need to get lost in order to find ourselves again. We need to drown, to learn what it is to be alive. We need to forget it all, to realize what we've been missing all this while. We need to risk everything, to know how much it could possibly mean to us. 

It's only idiotic to think so bloody much right now, since I've never really been the one to make and derive sense out of life. I'm not ready to let go of everything yet- and i might never be. But, it'll be okay. I'll cherish it all this summer. I'll let go of it later.